my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
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