If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
i will never coherently bang her
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
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