If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Randomize
