Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
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