I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
