he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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