I accidentally had phone sex last night
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
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