I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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