sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
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