i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
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