rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
