I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I smell stomach acid.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
