Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
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