It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Randomize
