dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
