I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
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