I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
