Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
