I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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