Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
