it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
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