..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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