I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
