I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
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