so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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