the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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