you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
He literally asked permission to hit on me
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
