either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
