i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
