I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
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