the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
