This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
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