also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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