i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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