I feel like I'm in dance class right now
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
