I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
