Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize
