i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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