1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
