She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
