I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
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