The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
