I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
not ubering you a puppy
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
