Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
