hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
