there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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