I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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