so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
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