I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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