3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
