Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
